Some updates.....

So where are we now??

-I am starting a new job as an accounting clerk (YAY) more money, better hours, better benefits, no holidays and I love doing the work so I am SUPER SUPER EXCITED!!

-We are officially in our 6th cycle! BOOO! That is a depressing reality that I am having a hard time dealing with.  Everyday I just keep wondering more and more if there is something wrong. I mean I am ovulating, I have a good length LP, regular cycles, we are fairly healthy, but Lord only knows what could be going on inside of me. At this point I am still trying to stay optimistice but it is really hard!

Other than that everything is all good in the Behnke household. We love the new house but the only problem is with me working 2 jobs until my 2 week notice is up on the 27th, I never have time to clean it, so it is pretty much a disaster..lol But I hope to catch up on all that tomorrow.

We are going bowling with friends of ours tomorrow (I am the best matchmaker in the world, I hooked DHs best buddy from Ohio up with one of my coworkers down here, and they fell so hard for eachother that now he lives down here) Go me! lol
But I am excited about just going out and doing something fun with friends, DH and I don't get a whole lot of time off and relaxation time so this is a big deal to us.

For the future we are still trying to get a little healthier, go to church more, and just pray more. We are hoping that the Lord will hear our prayers and bless us with a LO that we can teach his word very soon! I also am starting to drink Green tea (hoping that will help with somethings on the CM side) and working out more, maybe loosing a little weight can help my fertility.

Well we will see!

2009 in Review.. ready for 2010

Well this by far was the worst Holiday season ever.. realizing my Mom would not be around for this Christmas, or any Christmas again.. was really really hard... I miss her a lot.. and not a day goes by I don't think about her..  New Years in tomorrow.. and I plan to get drunker than a skunk.. why?? 1. because New Years was my Mom and I's holiday.. we both had that partying gene.. and that was the one night it was OK for us to show it to the fullest.. and we did.. We always had such fun together on New Years.. and I would like to think she will be looking down on me from Heaven this New Years and hopefully smiling.. 2. 2009 has been the most hectic year of my life, some of it good, but also a lot bad,, and a lot in between...
Lets see: I got engaged, moved twice, changed jobs 3 times, dealt with my grandfathers cancer, had an ovarian cyst the size of a golfball rupture and ended up in the hospital, and had the best day of my life: My Wedding Day, and also the worst day of my life, the day I lost the woman who gave me life, the most important woman in the world to me due to a blood clot.. my mother. (I love you Momma!)

Now that I am in absolute tears, I am just beyond ready for this year to be over.. I just pray to the Lord above that 2010 will be a much better brighter year.. Hopefully one that will welcome the birth of a little one to call my own..

It is like falling in love all over again..

I don't know what exactly it has been lately, but with things going somewhat back to normal.. it seems like John and I are realizing more than ever how important the time we have together is.

I think sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life you loose yourself (and sometimes forget what it feels like to just stop and look at your life) And I have been trying a bit harder to stop lately.. and for the most part I am liking what I see.. we are only missing one thing.. and that is a baby to call our own..

I feel like we are in the 1st month again.. I just love to kiss my wonderful husband, and look into his adoring eyes.. I think I forgot how truely lucky I am that I have found true love with such a wonerful person.  In our wedding vows we said, "I love you more than all the stars in all the skies." And that is 100% true, I realize that I love him more and more everyday..

Maybe it is also TTC that is bringing us closer.. reality is setting in that things aren't working! And with our previous issues that maybe something could be wrong..

At this point we are just trying our hardest to stay optimistic.. but it is hard not to worry.. and we talk about it openly together.. and we are trying to do anything and everything to improve our fertility.. and he is really stepping up to the plate.. and I am ssoo proud of him! It makes me so happy that he wants a family with me just as much as i do with him..

Now, it is just up to God to give us that.. so at this point all we can do is pray.. and wait for this cycle to end... (hopefully with a BFP) but either way I have a Drs appt on the 20th of January... and hopefully we can at least start getting some answers.. or figure out where to go from here..

Most of the time they make ppl wait until they have been trying a year, but since I have had ovarian cysts, family blood clotting issues, and I have had 1 m/c and a son who was still born, she wants to make sure that there isn't any issues that have made it not work so far.. because if we don't have our BFP then, it will be cycle 6..

Well wish me luck! As i wish all you the same.. I am truely grateful for all that I do have.. I just can't help but to ask for one more thing..

ugggh AF, an evap line, & a missing kitty.. ):

Soo.. I usually try my best to be the positive person that everyone knows me as.. and I am trying very very hard right now.  But,, AAHHHHH! if you will.. TTC is so damn frustrating!

So I gave into temptation 2 days ago.. and I got what at first glance looked like a negative.. but then wait! A very very very faint line! Even though it was so faint I could no where near consider it a positive by any means.. a part of me got a little excited.. So, I was hoping for the best, and planned on testing 2 days later (which would have been today)

Then yesterday DH and I got home from work about 3. To discover that 2 out of 3 of our kitties got out and ran away.. one of which was my baby who DH got for me our first valentines day together.. she is like a child to me.. the other one is like our shared kitty.. well we couldn't find them anywhere.. and we were both kind of freaking out!

So then I go inside to pee.. and bam! What do we have here?? spotting! oh yay!

Well by the next morning the spotting turned into a full flow and we are off to cycle number 5!!

But it is soo strange because I have never started this early.. but DH and I both thing it could be due to the imense stress with moving, the 2 month anniversary of my Mom's death, and everything else that has been going on with the Holidays and DHs friend being in town..

Long story short I guess my evap line was just a line of false hope ): So, here we go again.. Well better luck this time hopefully?

At this point we have found my cat.. and still looking for the other one.. So wish us luck!

For now, I am satisfied

So overall, I can not complain about today..
Lets see..
Temps are still up.. so as of now things are looking ok on that end.. I am trying to not get my hopes up.. but I can't help but to keep my fingers crossed and count down the days until I can POAS..
Of course, part of me thinks that would be too many good things in one month.. getting a new house and finding out I am pregnant would be two pretty amazing things back to back.. but we will see.. Here is to hoping!

Ohh and about the move..

Well we are all done!

After procrastinating our asses off, just starting to back at 8pm last night, finished packing in the ultimate rush this morning, a late (half drunken/slow) moving crew, and all the other hassles the wonderful world of moving entails,  we were fully moved into our new 3bd 2bath home by 5pm.. we have like 5 more boxes of junk left at the house.. and that is it (oh and we have to clean the old house and unpack.. ahhhhhh!) Ok.. so maybe I am not as pleasant after realizing that..

So besides that.. hmmm..
Christmas is in 2 weeks.. and the house is not decorated (of course), I still have over half my family to buy for (as well as DHs family and my secret santa person from work)  so.. off to getting in the Holiday spirit I go..

I think this once again proves my extreme level of procrastination..

Well wish me luck on everything -finishing the move, getting ready for Christmas, and getting a wonderful gift from God.. a child--

Damn you chart!!! and F you 2 emotions!

Fuckin Aye!!! This thing is annoying the shit out of me this cycle.  I have never (and I mean never!!) had a chart that looked like this!! A perfect V??? I deff think my thermometer is broke! My temp goes up by like 0.185 everyday.. and right now it is saying my temp was higher this morning than it has ever been besides when I had the flu! And, I don't think I am sick right now!! uggghh!!! So besides that, and having no idea when I Od today was great! lol

My husband, myself, and his best friend who is in from Cleveland went to the Christmas parade downtown today.  And I think I cried 5 or 6 times.. not good at all! lol

Everytime I saw a baby or toddler that was doing something cute (which includes waving, dancing, singing ect) I cried.  I also cried when the little cub scouts and cheerleaders went passed.  I told my husband it was because I want a LO to have doing all that fun stuff! I can't wait to see my child enjoying life, and in the back of my mind there is this undying fear that will never happen, no matter how irrational that fear may be. With all that being said it was a wonderful parade, and I really enjoyed it!

Also today I hooked up one of my coworkers (a 28 year old who has never even been kissed) with my husband's best friend who is here from out of town (a major partier who is moving down here in Jan. and travels with Grateful Dead all summer) on a double date with the us.  It surprisingly enough worked out wonderful, and they seem really into eachother.  They both told me they like eachother a lot, and I am kinda super proud of myself for the hookup! I think they might be good for eachother (he can liven her up and she can tune him down type of thing) but we will see! But we had a good time going out to eat! 3 cheese chicken penne was amazing (yes applebees)

So now I am at work.. blah!

Off tomorrow! Yay!

All in all its been a pretty good day!

First post.. (My life in a nutshell)

So this is my first blog post.. so maybe I should tell you a little about myself???

Well, I am happily married (newleywed August 29th 2009) My husband is a wonderful man that I have been with my whole adult life and I couldn't imagine life without him. He is my soulmate, my bestfriend, and my angel. He makes me smile and laugh daily. We are big goofs together, and I think ppl think we are a little ecentric, but we love our life!

We our TTC with all of our might, and I am pretty sure it is making me an emotional wreck to be honest.

I am also an emotional wreck right now due to the recent passing of my Mom on October 14th 2009. It still hurts like hell every damn day. She died unexpected of a massive biolateral pulmonary thrombosis associated with a DVT and Factor V Laiden. I talked to her that morning at 8am (even thought about going out to see her) She was fine, we just bullshitted like everyother day.. and then BAM! by 3pm she was gone, and I would never get to see her again. I still kills me, and I am still not sure how long it will take me to get over it (or if I ever will) but, I still try to stay positive, that is my persona after all.

People always tell me I am one of the happiest, positive people they have ever met. And I try to be. I try to live everyday to its fullest because you never know which day could be your last!! But lately the whole positive outlook thing has been becoming a bit harder, I am sure it is just a temporary thing, and it will get better in time.

As for the rest of my life..

I am a PBX operator at a local hospital.

I live in Beaufort SC

I have 3 cats that are like my children-
Nellie (my baby) bday- 02/19/2008
Grace bday- 04/20/2008
Priscilla bday- 04/20/2008

I have 5 sisters and 1 brother
Megan- cousin that my Dad adopted- 3 years older
Dallas- stepsister from Dad- 2 years younger
Zak- stepbrother from Dad- 6 years younger
Madison- halfsister from Dad- 9 years younger
Haylie- halfsister from Mom- 11 years younger
Makenzie- halfsister from Mom- 15 years younger

Since my Mom has passed away I am the primary mother figure in my 2 littlest sisters lives. I enjoy every minute of it, and as much as I love being their mother figure, I still can't wait to have my own! (Hey at least I know I can handle it now!!)